Oranges
by writeitonme
Summary: My mouth should taste bitter as hell right now but, to my horror, it tastes like… oranges.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Sadly, I Do Not Own Victorious.

Rushing out the theater laughing and gasping for air is kind of nice for a change. There's this weird feeling I'm getting on my face, it's like tingling. I have this weird smile on and it won't pull back. Then I feel my heart pump hard, asking for more air and I finally frown. It's screaming at me, reminding me of feelings I've thrown away long ago. For a moment, it's all I could hear. I straighten my body, breathing deep, tightening the locks I've put in the cage of my chest. _Breathe, Jade; this is stupid_. I hate feeling this way, hate feeling _anything _that goes beyond the surface of my skin. I growl internally not even knowing why. Maybe because of all the times to feel this way, it had to be when I'm with the person I least like. Why couldn't it have been with Beck? Then again, all Beck wants when we're alone is to either make out or hang around with his arms on me possessively. He can't get me like this anymore, can't make my blood rush for any kind of reason.

I slow down to a stop, watching Vega flail around and making a fool out of herself to the beat only she could hear. She turns, making a mess of her hair while grinning so wide it would split her face. As much as she annoys me, she still amuses me sometimes. My face twitches into something I hate, for a split second. _Get it together, Jade; you only have to do that when you need to._

"Vega," I clear my throat. I guess she doesn't hear me because she's still doing that thing she calls dancing. "Vega," I repeat but still nothing. "Veegaaaa, quit… doing whatever that is, Jesus!" that should drown out her the music inside her head. She finally stops still laughing a little not caring about the stern look on my face.

"That was fun," I roll my eyes, my hands on my hips—finally I'm back. "Hope Derek's still having fu—wait; they wouldn't come up with some sort of grosser punishment, would they?" Her eyebrows furrow as her face twists into a strange mixture of wonder and worry.

I roll my eyes again, ignoring her question, "Vega, this doesn't make us friends. You get me?" I never thought I would ever say _Vega, we_, and _friends_ in a single sentence. Suddenly my mouth tastes bitter.

"Aww, come on, Jade," she whines, her eyebrows scrunched up, lower lip stuck out.

"Okay, that is _never_ cute. And, yes. You, me, not friends," I point back and forth between the two of us, looking her up and down. "I would never be friends with someone like you. I would've preferred never speaking with you but the odds are against me."

Her face turns hard, jaw locking. "Jade, you know what? I—," she sighs, breathing in for a moment, "just get me home. You owe me at least that much." Typical Vega: always going for the high road, pretending to be all nice. I do owe her for keeping that secret but not for her suffering, it was for my pleasure anyway.

"Lift up your wrist," I huff, annoyed by… everything.

"Pull up there," she says sternly. I look at her slightly confused. She's asking me to pull over on the side of the road. Although I would enjoy the idea of her being homeless but that's just, to my dismay, too unlikely. I return my concentration on the road, ignoring her. "Just, pull over, Jade!" she snaps, commanding me with an edge in her voice I never thought I'd hear from her. I snap my head towards her. Nobody tells Jade West what to do, especially Tori Vega. I instantly floor the breaks, sending her forwards, the seatbelt securing at her chest. She winces, reaching for one of her ribs.

"There, I've pulled over," I smirk relishing the look on her face.

"I'm tired of this," there was an edge to her voice, almost growling. Her hands curl into a fist on her lap; her head bowed down. "I tried to be nice with you," she lifts her head, glaring at me. "But you're really pushing it," her teeth clench.

"Oh, and how does that concern me?" I laugh grimly, provoking her, "Should I be scared, Vega? What are you go—"

I don't know exactly what happened next but I think she slapped me hard across the face. I heard myself gasp, wide-eyed. Somehow, I unbuckled my seatbelt and attacked her in one swift move. I remember pulling at her hair, her nails scratching my face. There was screeching, screaming, and shrieking. I remember feeling my blood rush, boiling. I remember feeling so alive. But I don't remember how the hell my lips landed on hers. I don't remember how it got to her pulling my head closer by the hair, or how my nails found its way to digging at her sides.

I feel fire in the pit of my stomach, crushing my lips against hers. I feel fire on my skin, like my first time with Beck—

I pull back, slapping her. Oh, God, what the hell is going on here? I-I was— what the fuck! She cups her cheek, glaring at me with clouded eyes; her hair tussled, clinging to her skin. I scoot farther, feeling the car door on my back. My mouth should taste bitter as hell but, to my horror, it tastes like… oranges. I inhale sharply, licking my lips— Oh, God, it only made it worse. Her eyes flick over to my lips and then she's suddenly gripping the back of my neck, crashing our lips together. Crap, this is bad, I need to… need to… Oh, my God, her tongue is— it's…

She's pushing hard against me, hands tightening on my waist, bruising my skin. I moan escapes me. She suddenly bites on my lip, drawing blood. "Shut up," she pulls away, her tone harsh. I find myself nod weakly. I can't help myself anymore. More is all that's running through my mind. She tears her hands from my hips then slaps me, exposing my neck like an offering. She smirks then attacks my neck, biting hard. I gasp but I end up pulling her closer. "Deeper," I whimper. She smirks again, sinking her teeth, almost piercing into my skin.

She's kissing me again so rough that I taste more blood, blood and oranges. I black-out, moaning, panting, begging. She rips my blouse off with one hand so effortlessly. I should be scared, worried but this throbbing between my legs won't stop begging for her. "Vega," my hips buck under her. She looks at me then to my jeans, all composed. I unzip it, offering it to her like a lamb amongst the wolves. Her nails painfully scratches its way down slowly under my panties. My breathe hitches when her hand settles there shamefully cupped on my folds. Then at once, her fingers plunge roughly into me, almost making me cringe in pain. Her nails scrape into my walls while her hand mercilessly thrusts in and out. I feel my eyes tear up but all I want is still more as my hips jerk with every thrust. My arms snake around her, bringing her lips into mine, relishing her taste, whimpering in pain. The ecstasy of drowning in pain and pleasure drove me wild like an animal. All I could think of is more. I want more. Then she pulls out, leaving me close to the edge.

"You can finish that if you like," she lifts her fingers to her lips, tasting me, her voice enticing. I shake my head furiously, not being able to form words. Then she leaves swinging her purse over her shoulder, walking nonchalantly down the road. She leaves me dumbfounded, watching her back. "Bye, Jade," she states with a hum in her voice, not even glancing back.

"Fuck," I shriek, crashing on the car seat. How could she do this? I grit my teeth. How dare she mess with me? Who does she think she is? I'm gonna kill her. I swear I'm gonna kill her.

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**A.N.: Please don't slaughter me, but please do review. This is my first Victorious fic and I suck at it... and I know both of them are OOC but... ee, I need to read more Jade centric fics to get her thoughts right.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Yes, I don't own Victorious.

It was already dark when she left, not even bothering to shut the door. I stare at my hands gripping the steering wheel, at my knuckles turning white. I'm still there, sinking in my seat, shuddering at the cold draft touching my bare abdomen. My heart's still drumming so loud no matter how hard I try to calm down. My breathing is still heavy, still feeling her nails on me and the red lines they made across my chest and sides. I trace them, my fingers trembling. My mouth still tastes like her.

How could I let myself get carried away like that? I _am_ Jade West. I'm always in control. I never let people touch me or hurt me. I get to do the hurting. Me. I shift in my seat and wince. Right, the bitch left bruises everywhere, hand marks. Then my blood rushes again.

I scream in frustration, gritting my teeth. She's getting into me.

"What's the band-aid for?" Cat squeaks a greeting, shifting on the balls of her feet excitedly. We're at lunch and like she always says, she loves food, really loves food. She pokes at the gauze on my neck, bending towards me like an innocent child. I pause. _Well Vega did it_. I scrunch my eyebrows. That sounded like it's the most obvious thing to say. _That bitch_. I rub at my neck absentmindedly, ghosting over the gauze that I try to hide the bite mark with. Well, not from Vega, obviously.

"A cat bit me," I look towards the doors, pulling at the collar of my huge sweater.

"Hihi, a cat," she giggles, her smile hiding behind her paws.

"Yes, Cat, it was a cat," I turn towards her. She always liked people saying 'cat' without talking about her. She sits down beside me, carefully settling down her salad on the table.

"Don't you think it's weird that anyone or _anything_ will even try/want to bite Jade, moreover, on the neck?" Robbie, suddenly appears beside Cat, scooting closer than he's allowed. I want to throw up and cut his head off at the same time. We all see he has a thing for Cat and, lately, he's been taking advantage of Cat's naiveté, being all touchy with her. The kid's a weirdo and a pervert and a loser. Did I also mention a jerk and a loser?

"I don't know; you tell me," I glare at him while I cut at a piece of food mercilessly with a scissor, imagining it to be him. He swallows, nervously edging away from Cat.

"I got your soda," Beck sits on my other side; his arms swinging around my waist. I look at the can. I frown. Of all flavors, he had to get the orange one. The image of me cringing below Vega flashes before my eyes and my temper flares. I pull him, kissing him deeply but I don't feel anything. No blood rush. I have to distract myself. I close my eyes, leaning in, swinging my legs on his lap. I can feel his heart beat fast. I try to drown at the sound; I try to drown in him. I need to wash off the taste in my mouth. Suddenly a thought breaks through my concentration. _Can he taste her too?_—shit. My eyes snap open. And then I see Vega, sitting beside Beck, smiling softly at me then going back to her sandwich. My blood boils, rushes. I'm on fire again. I eye her furiously. I want to attack her again. She notices and offers me another smile.

"Get a room, guys. People are trying to eat here," Andre pops beside Vega, looking all grossed-out. I break the kiss, to see the glazed look on Becks face.

"They've been at it for, like, hours," Robbie chimes in. I glare at him. He shrinks away. Did, I also mention that he's a wuss?

"It's cute. Jade reminds me of a lion and a rabbit," Cat giggles, eyes bright, "though one time I saw a rabbit being hunted by a lion cub. I thought they we're just playing tag but the cub had to snatch the rabbit's neck…" her face then falls. "But then the cub was happy and full and was so cute and I forgot about the rabbit," suddenly she's bubbly again.

Vega looks at her, arching an eyebrow—everyone did. She looks back at me, "Hey, what's the bandage for?" _For hiding your bite mark. _I look at her, trying to stop my anger from seeping and exploding on their faces. But the thought of everyone seeing what would happen if they get in my way could also be fun— well, fun in my own twisted sense. _Fuck._ I need to vent out. The complacent look on her face is creeping underneath my skin. I sneer, climbing off of Beck.

"I need to go to the bathroom," I stalk towards the building, cussing along the way, snapping Beck back to reality.

"But, Jade…" Beck scrambles, trying to get up. Obviously, he wants more. He's a good guy, but a horny teenager all the same. I can't blame him though.

I'm panting hard against the crook of Vega's shoulder. I'm burning. The air around us is almost scorching, like it's going to catch fire. I inhale sharply, smelling bleach and lilac. She's biting, bruising, kissing my shoulder and I arch into her. I try to cling onto her, my knees weakening, but she slams my wrists over my head, squeezing hard, nails sinking on my skin like talons. The soda can slips from my hands, hitting, spilling on the floor.

I know this shouldn't be happening at all. I shouldn't be letting her. But here I am, submitting to Tori Vega's touch, grinding my hips to hers in the janitor's closet. I want her to touch me as much as I want to punch her and make her bleed, as much as I want to destroy her. I let her claw on my skin. I let her pull me into this place. I let her pin me on the door. I let her draw blood in my mouth. I let her slap me, bruise me, kick me. I feel like an open wound, throbbing.

I've always thought I've turned into stone: strong, heartless, incapable of being hurt. It's the way I want to be. Now, this is happening to me. My heart is pulsating, beating in my ears, reminding me that I haven't turned into stone, that I am weak.

I should hate this feeling, avoid it at any cost but I provoked her, set her off knowing what she would do, expecting, wanting it at the back of my mind. I was alone in the hallway, staring at the orange soda, cutting last period, not wanting to see Vega at Sikowitz' class. Then she came passing, staring at me with a knowing look. I exploded, attacked her and then… I ended up here.

"Tori…" I utter her name for the first time. She freezes and narrows her eyes on mine, studying me. I stare back, breathing heavily, waiting. I can't read her. Suddenly, she yanks my wrists, throwing me to her side. I fall on the floor watching her storm out the closet, stained in orange soda.

I should've expected this.

**A.N.: Tori is officially overly OOC. Tell me if I'm trying too hard. Also, this doesn't really have a real plot yet.**

**Oh, and please review even though you hate me 'cause... yeah, even if you hate it. **

******I beg you, please review. **You don't know how excited I get every time I post.

**Look, I'm on my knees.**

**And please don't slaughter me.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N.: I'm really having a hard time connecting the dots so please bear with it at least until this chapter ends.

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"Hey, Jade, what are you doing in the janitor closet?" Cat peers in, half-hiding behind the doorframe. I look up and see the worried look on her face, lips caught between her teeth. She's trying not to stare, glancing at me then looking down. I stare at her, wondering too why I was there. For a moment there I forgot why.

She shifts on her feet, hesitating if she should come in. Do I look so messed up that I got Cat, _Cat Valentine_ this worried and uncomfortable? I don't want to think. I don't want to deal with this. I need to get away. I stand up without a word, flattening down my skirt. I look past her. I can't take the look on her face anymore. It doesn't suit her. It isn't for me.

I try to make my way out but then she rushes towards me, enclosing me in a warm hug. I don't move nor do I pry her off. She's Cat; she only means well. I breathe, catching the smell of her hair—strawberries.

I know I should be at least a little thankful that she's worried about me but, to me, it just shows how I've failed myself, how I've let Vega have her way with me, how I felt alive in spite of the circumstances. I keep it bottled in. I don't want to snap at Cat, she doesn't deserve such treatment. She's important to me no matter how much I deny that to everyone including myself—_ugh_.

"Uh, Cat," she doesn't react, "Cat, I'm okay; I'm fine," I tap at her shoulder.

"Really?" she leans back, hands gently clasped on my arms, eyes brightly lit. It's like she's about to jump or… float.

"I'm just a little bit tired," and really pissed about a certain brunette. I try not to roll me eyes at the thought.

"Oh, okay!" she bounces on her feet, beaming at me. She quickly scans me, "But what are you doing in here with…" she tugs at my skirt, "orange soda on your skirt?" Her eyes narrow the slightest bit.

"I slipped," I say simply, holding my temper in. She giggles almost kitten-ish if cats could giggle. I frown.

"You slipped," she repeats.

"Never speak of it," I warn half-heartedly. Since when was I _half-hearted_ or, even, "_-hearted_"? I feel her hands pull mine and then we're gone, the hum of her voice echoing. After that I don't remember where Cat went.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, standing in front of Beck's RV, still stained with orange, stained with… Tori. Why did I say her name? I never say her name. Saying her name is like acknowledging her existence.

I shake my head furiously. I don't _need _to think about her. I don't _need_ to ask why, why she's acting the way she does now, why just now. Thinking about it makes me think too much of how she… touched me. It consumes me and I lose all common sense, all the hate. I need to block her off, keep my anger. I need to wash her away. I need Beck… and revenge.

I bang at the door, its sound buzzing in my head. It opens almost immediately, Beck on the other side. Something about him is off. I narrow my eyes, studying him. "Jade," he gives me that sweet smile but there's something else… worry. Why isn't he asking where I was or letting me in? Jealousy bubbles in the pit of my stomach. He has someone in there with him he doesn't want me to see. I know him like the back of my hand. I want to push past him but I keep myself still, trying to talk sense with myself.

I don't know why I keep pushing anger down while it's all that I've been holding on to. This is not me. But I don't want to argue. I just need Beck.

"Hey, you," Vega smiles excruciatingly calm beside Beck, I freeze for a moment. My mind races with thoughts of Beck and her and… no.

"What the fuck is she doing here!" I scream, losing control. I want to drag her out, and beat the shit out of her but Beck... he doesn't have to see that. I don't want him getting into this mess.

"Whoa, Jade, I know you'll be upset but… chill, okay?" He raises his hands defensively.

"Chill? How can I _chill_ when you didn't even check with me before all this?" I don't know why but I feel like my mouth's filling up with venom. Everything's seeping out and my voice gets louder and sharper with every word I speak.

"I was about to call you," Beck's trying to stay calm, hand threading through his dark hair.

"Get her out of here," I growl; my hands balling-up in fists, glaring at Vega. I've had enough shit going already. I came here for Beck and not for this.

"Calm down, Jade," his hand rests carefully on my shoulder. I shrug it off.

"I am calm so get her out of here," my voice shakes, struggling to keep in control. So many voices are buzzing in my head telling me to tackle her, to ignore Beck, and so many other things that are just too graphic to even say.

"Um, I'm just gonna go, okay?" Vega slings her purse over her shoulder passing dangerously close to me. "Don't be stupid, Jade," I barely hear whisper as her footsteps fade, as I push Beck into the RV.

Cat's standing at my doorstep, a smile planted on her lips as I open the door. "Here," she takes my wrist lightly with one hand, placing a lollipop with the other. I look at her, my brows almost knitting with each other in confusion. She knows I don't like candy. "You don't have to eat it if you don't want to… just don't throw it away," she quickly adds, chewing at her lip. I jam the thing in my pocket to be forgotten and pull her upstairs without saying anything, not trusting myself if I could be nice, as Jade West comes, with her right now. Last night… didn't go as well as I wanted it to be. I shouldn't have agreed with having her over to do a scene for Sikowitz's class.

Beck told me that they were practicing a scene for a project due Monday but Vega's going to be gone for the whole weekend and they had to have it done by that night. He was explaining and explaining and explaining, repeating her name over and over again. I got tired of him and I left. All I wanted was to feel his touch, his warmth, that night. I didn't want him talk about Vega when it should just be me and him.

"What scene were we assigned with?" I sit across Cat in my room, leafing through my notebook just for something to do. I don't want to do this but I also don't want to drag myself down just because of Vega.

"Death," she lets the word out, catching for breath. I look at her, bewildered. Was she holding her breath or something. "We have to write about death."

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**A.N.: I'm adding Cat in the mix 'cause she's my favorite character in the series and I love Cade. **

**And then Amberpire's "Predator" (id:6549690) inspired me so I wrote this fic. (maybe it's too late to put this here, oh well…) And although I don't like Tori, Jori has so much chemistry; I love their love-hate relationship.**

**You do know I'm trying to keep this note short, right? But I CAN'T help it!**

**Please review if you want me to get excited. When I'm excited I get inspired and that means faster updates. :D**

**Again, please don't slaughter me if I don't make real sense.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I am getting addicted with writing this, but no matter how much I obsess about Victorious, it will never be mine... yeah... NEVER

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"Anne, it hurts so much. Please, make it stop, please; I—" my breathe hitches, drowning in my tears as I search for Cat's face. She's looking down on me, horror in her eyes. I reach up; her hair looks like fire against my skin. I imagine burning in them and how painful it will be for her. I revel at thought of plunging myself in pain. Lately, it's all I've been thinking about. I should be shaking myself, telling myself to do something about it, telling me I should be afraid. I've put up walls all around me, even chained my heart, just to keep myself from ever being hurt. But here I am relishing what I am most afraid of. And what's more warped about all this is that I still don't even bother to care.

"I-I didn't mean to... oh my god, I'm so sorry," her tears fall on me, "I'm sorry; I can't make it stop. I'm so, so sorry, Jade," she whimpers, trying to find air. I drop my hand, fixing my eyes at the wall, looking at nothing, her tears falling on my cheek. I never thought these little droplets could burn so much. I don't deserve anybody's tears.

"Cat, you were supposed to call me Lea." We've been through this so many times but she keeps slipping out my name near the end. My eyes are already lined red from crying again and again. It's getting really frustrating and I just want to shake her.

"S-sorry, Jade," she sniffs, wiping her face with her hands, "I just can't help but think that you were really dying."

I get up from the bed, tying my hair up, "Pretend that I'm really Lea, the girl who cut you with words, who tortured you with humiliation, who used to be your friend, who you still cared for." I look back at her from my desk. "Pretend that she exists, that she exists as me, that I am not Jade but her," I hold her eyes intensely with mine. "_I_ played with your feelings. _Me_."

She haunts my thoughts, lurking in every shadow, looking for the right moment to pounce. I shiver, not out of fear but in quiet anticipation, straining myself from turning around. I don't want to submit to her, to desire. Then she flickers in front of my eyes, embracing me then fades away into smoke, infesting my chest, my heart. I gasp, choking-in air. My ribs close in on me, piercing my lungs, rupturing everything it protects. I reach for it, searching for anything left to recover. Suddenly it's gone and I'm left craving. I'm left writhing, hating how much I want it.

She's holding something out to me, hands cradling it lovingly. "Take it," she says with soft smile. I look at her hands to see nothing. _Take what?_ "Look; you can have it, just reach out and take it," she stretches out her arms, coaxing me, her smile turning wild. I find my hands inching closer. Between her hands, I see an... orange. "Take it." Then I see red.

"J-jade?" Cat's breath hitch and I'm thrown back from—where have I gone to? I see her face, my lips almost touching hers, my hand cupping her cheek. I freeze, my thoughts going into frenzy. Everything's rushing in at once.

Before I could react, Cat brushes my lips, slowly planting hers on mine. My back meets the bed, her hand caressing my cheek. _No, no, not Cat_. I push her off as gently as I could. Fumbling towards the far end of the bed, I helplessly look for an explanation for this all. How could I... Cat.

"Wha-what happened?" I ask her wide-eyed. She's as surprised as I am but she tries to answer. Nothing comes out. "Cat, what did I do?" I say more to myself, burying my face in my hands.

"We were rerunning through the scene and you suddenly stopped and—,"

"C-cat, it's my fault..."

I don't want to recognize it; doing so will only make it more real, harder to avoid. I'll drown until my body can't take it anymore, until it's all I have running in my veins. But I can't ignore it anymore, not after what I did. I've only had it twice but my body keeps demanding for it to a point that it pushed me, locked me out and almost taken Cat. It will destroy me; I know it. These marks prove it so. Nothing good will come out of it. I'll only lose Beck, the only one that I have, the one who I still desperately need to love me. I'll lose my only safety, the only one who's gentle enough to keep me in one piece. He's the easiest, most logical choice... the only choice. Nobody will take me as I am; no one will be as patient, as understanding. I owe myself to Beck.

There's this part of me that wants to stand at the edge, willing itself to fall with eyes closed. Maybe that's why I've always tried to provoke people. I want them to pull me down, to feel the cutting wind as I fall, to be shattered in pieces.

NO, I don't want that. I don't. I have to keep it together. I have to be angry. I have to be by Beck's side. _But I'll just drag him down with me..._ No, no, I won't. He, he'll pull me up as he takes flight and he'll hold on tight. _Come on, do you really seriously believe that? You're slipping as we speak. _

Stop it.

I have to face it, her, Tori. There's no more room for revenge. I have to figure myself out. I have to figure her out.

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**A.N.: Do you know how much I tried to stop myself from adding that Cat part? How much I hated myself because I had to stop their kiss? Seriously, it was HARD—oh, did I just make a pun? Hehe... **

**Anyway, I think it worked though I maybe had just gotten myself into deep with all the problems I've been weaving in this fic... ugh.**

**I know it's short but please do review because reviews are cookies and I love cookies... and brownies.**

**To end this... please don't slaughter me... though flames do me good.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Yes, I do not own or write for Victorious but if I did... *drools*

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My locker door rattles as I slam it shut, the scissors almost falling off. I haven't slept since Cat. Every time I close my eyes, everything flashes back and I feel everything all at once: the guilt, the pleasure, the anger, the pain... Beck, Cat, Tori... They won't leave me alone. I spent the rest of the weekend in bed, tossing and turning, and staring at the ceiling trying to clear my mind.

I feel a hand grip on my shoulder from behind. I brace myself and turn my head sideways, already knowing the touch. _Now it starts._

"About Beck..." she speaks softly, calmly.

I turn, summoning up the Jade that was. I look at her, disgusted, a hand on my hip. "What about him?"

Vega stiffens, her soft expression disappearing. "Do you know where he is?" Whatever she was going to say, it's all gone now, her tone dripping of venom.

"Why so edgy? Did I _do _something to you?" I peer at her. She's looking down, sending daggers to the floor. I just stare at her, the silence between us drowning in the buzz of the other students distant conversations, of lockers slamming. _She's back, cold, hard as stone as ever._

She looks up, glaring at me. The people are thinning around us and my stomach's sinking. "Do you seriously want to do this in the morning?" she hisses under her breath.

My teeth remain gritted, my jaw numbing, "Do what? I'm just concerned for a friend." I grin mockingly. I need to keep going whatever it takes.

I see her hands, clenching and unclenching. I find myself bracing myself once more, touching the gauze on my neck to keep myself from crumbling, from running—w_hatever it takes._

"Tori, the first period is almost..." My eyes shoot above her shoulder. "Jade," Cat's eyes grow wider, and the glow in her face suddenly dies. _Now, she's gone._

Suddenly, it's just us three in the emptied hallway. My stomach sinks deeper and I can't look up anymore. I can't look at Cat. I'm drowning again just when I broke surface, breathing. I can see myself again, weak, cracking.

I can't deal with all this, not at the same time. I look up, catching a glimpse of Cat's anxiety, seizing Vega's wrist, dragging her away before anyone could react. I'll fix it, me; just wait. Everything will be fine, I just have to... everything will be fine.

I force her roughly into the janitor's closet, burning her wrist with my hand. I lock the door behind me, the orange stain at my feet. _Why is it still there?_

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I growl out as soon as the door clicked. And she's looking at me, and I can't read her again. There's nothing there I can recognize. _Everything will be fine._

"Wrong? What did I do?" she fixes her eyes on mine, piercing through me.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how much I want to kill you right now?" I scream, my brain throbbing, overflowing with anger. She doesn't react like she's waiting for something. I get that she wants to pretend that nothing happened but to actually deny it? I storm right up in front of her, tearing the gauze off my neck, smearing the concealer and make up off my wrists, off my shoulders, off my face. "Are you seriously telling me that you don't remember ever doing this to me?" I lift my blouse, showing her the marks on my stomach, my voice suddenly quivering.

"Nothing's wrong with me," she murmurs, voice heavy. Then I feel her cold fingertips tracing the bruises she made and my breath hitches. "Nothing's wrong with me," she repeats, studying her work on my skin, "None of you knew me before any of this." She... she's right; I don't know anything, not even Andre. I feel my knees shaking and my skin begging for her touch, almost leaning in to it, sending shivers at the back of my neck. For a moment, my thoughts went blank and all I saw was her, all I felt was her and I—

"Stop touching me!" I push her and her back hits flush against the cold concrete wall in desperate need for composure. "You make me sick," _and warped and twisted and incoherent and weak_. I hold myself as if that will mask the feeling that she left on my skin. As if I could ever forget.

"I told you, I tried to be nice," she paces slowly, almost stalking, towards me like nothing happened, reaching for the mark on my neck where, just a few days ago, her teeth sunk so deep I thought I'd bleed. I feel like I jumped into a pit to be torn into pieces, lifeless. But I keep myself from stepping back, challenging her with a cold stare.

"It was a cruel joke, huh," and she's grinning but there's nothing in her eyes. I should've known better.

"What did you think it was?" I feel her warmth radiating, her breath playing at the surface of my pulse, her hands gathering the hem of my shirt in her fists, a smile playing on her lips.

I start laughing for no reason, my heart sinking and betraying me. Maybe I was wishing for a real reason, something beyond the surface, beyond what I see and maybe there is but then, all this is just stupid. She's telling me that I tortured myself for nothing, _nothing_. I lost myself and did that to Cat, to Beck for fucking nothing. I feel her hands creep under my blouse.

No, it wasn't just for nothing.

"Jade? Did you hear me?"

"Yeah, I did," _I didn't._ I look beside me...Beck. I look down at my hands...an orange and its peeled skin. I squint, and I see fire. My lips are tingling and I don't dare run my tongue through them, I won't be able to sit beside Beck, I already can't bear looking at him. He'll see.

"Tell me..." his puts his hands gently on mine but I pull back, shrinking. His hand suddenly freezes, slowly drawing back and I regret it instantly.

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**Imma turrrtle and I move slow, inching, centimetre-ing(?) and it's what I do but I hates it so much... but what do you want to do? Attach a jet engine on mah back? That'll be cooool...**

**A.N.: Aaaand this is even shorter... ugh. I'm really having a hard time expressing what's happening into words and I'm hating myself for this but hopefully I didn't fall short on the confrontation though I think nothing was even made clear... oh well...**

**This'll probably the only update this weekend... I got tons of stuff to do and I'm losing blood from not sleeping, and I've also lost my muse...**

**So please review... yeah I'm a review whore but can you blame me?**

**I'm sorry... oh, and please don't slaughter me (hmmm... maybe I'll keep this tradition... what do you think?). I'll try my best to write better and faster, I swear.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, the previous 2 chapters sucked... I need my sugar rush, my self-induced Muse. adsf;lkj!**

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I ran out, away from Beck, away from his worried eyes, even as he tried to call my name, to ask me what was wrong. I left without saying anything, letting the orange in my hand fall. I don't care where my feet are taking me; I don't care how much my legs are numbing. I can't take the guilt constricting my heart when I remember that I have Beck, only Beck. What's worse is that I hardly remember him. I can barely recall his touch when it was just a while ago that his lips touched mine. I keep forgetting how his hands felt all over my body, how his voice sounded like, how he tasted in my mouth. I find myself straining to remember the two years we've been together. All that's been going through my mind was the taste on my lips that haunts me. I had to get away.

I don't know how long I've been running, how long my body was screaming for me to stop. I just can't even if darkness has painted itself on the sky, even if all I feel is the cold air creeping under my skin, into my lungs. All I do is breathe hard, silently wishing for my heart to freeze, for my sake, for everybody's sake.

I thought I could make everything better or at least back to the way it used to be. How wrong I was. I can't trust myself anymore. I should have listened to myself when I knew I was slipping, spiralling out of control.

I... I let her do it to me again, this time without even a fragment of resistance. I clung to her while she left fresh marks on me, indulging me with the sting of pleasure. I welcomed everything with weak arms struggling to keep her close, to have her push me, to rationalize my impulses. I tried to understand, between blurred thoughts, my hands fumbling on her neck, my lips searching for hers, why I... why she... Then she left me cold, without even glancing back and I didn't even care. I felt nothing after but the sting on my skin and my knees weakening. I understood nothing.

I could've done something then but, now, I can only make things worse. No, I... I can run away then... then—

_Are you stupid? You make me sick. Look at yourself. You don't know what you're doing anymore. Get a grip. Either give-in and break everything around you or move on—she touched you; you liked it, end of story. No one has to know. No one __**will**__ know._

Right, no one has to know. No one has to know...

"Jade, what are you doing here?" I turn around, smiling, knowing full well who it was. His brows furrow, "You just left like... I thought you just wanted to be alone—." I walk up to him, grabbing his collar and kissing him softly.

"I just went out for some air," I lean back, seeing the confused smile on his face.

"But you're—." I shush him, arching an eyebrow at him; a wider smile spreading on my lips. I need to rinse myself of the taste on my lips even if that means that I use Beck.

"We should hang out in your RV," I trace his lips with the tip of my finger. A grin starts to spread on his face but I can still see his eyes suspecting, calculating, figuring me out. Right, I am using him like I've have all this time. He should know after all this time, even if I do love him.

I lie awake, resting between his arms, listening to the steady beat inside his chest, all the times I used to watch him like this coming back to me. I nuzzle closer, splaying my hands over his exposed abdomen, feeling the muscles tighten under my fingers. How could I even do something that will mean losing moments like this, moments that are so real, moments that don't **just** feel right but make sense?

I wanted to remember his touch, the nights we spent, drowning in one another. Nothing happened between us. He knew what I wanted but he also knew what I needed while holding me tight in his embrace all night, soothing me with whispers I can't make out. I felt like a child. I always do when I'm around him. He gets me; that's why I love him... Do I really— Yes, I love him.

It was stupid, really. He would've smeared off the makeup on my skin. I wasn't thinking right even when I really thought I was.

He leans into me, chin resting just atop my head. I could hear his breathing; I can feel it down my neck and I shiver. I want him to touch me more. I want to remember more, to burn everything permanently in my memory. I—No, he can't see.

I have to leave.

I pick up my purse from the floor, stopping to look at my reflection. I see someone on the other side of the mirror, smirking at me, eyes glinting in the darkness. I lean closer, studying her, telling myself that I don't see anyone else there but me. And then she's gone like a thin column of smoke from the cigarette that I swore I won't ever use again.

I stare at the stick, flicking it between my fingers. I tried so hard to get off of it and I have for almost a year. I don't know how to deal with everything, even Beck didn't work.

I take another drag remembering the time when Cat caught me, wide-eyed and disgusted. She acted like it didn't bother her and I felt so guilty. I never did see anything wrong with it. I mean, we all die in the end. It's my life, my choices. But I had to stop, or else I'll lose Beck. Like now, I have to stop and crush this thing and pretend it nothing happened or else I'll lose Beck.

I hold out my hand against the night sky, watching the cigarette stick burn away into smoke. I smile. I can stay like this, feeling the universe float around me, my back on my car roof beside a cliff, overlooking Hollywood. I don't have to stop yet, not yet. I want this, I have to have this no matter how selfish and destructive it may seem. No one will know; I just have to be careful.

I get up, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket.

"_What did he taste like?" -Tori_

"_Nothing like you." Send._

_

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**A.N.: I think I found my muse again... in the form of rest, music (Up Dharma Down and Nine Inch Nails), and sugar! And of course reviews from you guys... I'm just hoping that my muse won't leave me again like she always does...**

**Somewhere between learning to play "Blackbird" and eating oranges, I finally get a review (review whore alert!). I want to hug you! I would if I could. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Without reviews from you guys, I don't think I could post anything this week.**

**Maybe from now on I'll go on my "turtle" mode... I write better this way, I think.**

**Please tell me what you think. I know, I'm skipping out on details about you-know-what *wink* maybe I'll get to more intense scenes laterrr...**

**And because of that, please don't slaughter me (I know it doesn't make sense. Just go with it.)**


	7. Chapter 7

**I thought I was entering "turtle mode" and then... now I'm not. Isn't that great?**

**[aaand put disclaimer here while acting cute]

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I take another long drag, tasting the slight mint in my mouth. At least this thing washes out the taste in my mouth. I can relax even if my lungs are filling up with smoke.

I look at my phone. Why I sent that message, I don't know but then I don't regret it. It meant nothing because I don't even know what I meant. So it meant nothing, nothing.

I puff out a thin ghost grazing my cheeks, my lungs feeling heavier. I don't care what this is doing to me as long as I have this calm and the faint light of the afternoon sun behind the clouds on my shoulders.

"You've been skipping a lot."

I look up to my side, seeing a soft smile on Tori's face. I look back towards the fender of my car, looking at nothing. "I guess I have," I touch the cigarette stick on my lips, "and I suppose you would know why."

"Maybe I do," she sits on the stone bench beside me and I can almost feel her body heat just as much as the sun above. I breathe out, filling the silence forming around us. "I never thought you're the type to smoke."

"Surprise, surprise," I breathe out again, taping the ashes off the end of my cigarette.

"Can I?" she leans towards my hand, looking at me, blocking my view of the whole parking lot. I stare at her. She smiles softer, her eyes telling. And I breathe out again as I put the other end of the stick on her... lips. She draws in smoke between her lips as I try to pry my eyes off of her.

"You smoke?"

"Occasionally," she sits back, hands gripping the bench as she stares at the sky.

I drink another drag and it's almost out... it tastes like her, like oranges. Now she's in my chest and I almost panic. I close my eyes, savouring the taste that now won't ever leave me, prolonging it as much as my lungs can take. I feel her staring at me and I reciprocate, puffing out delicately smoke that touches her face. She closes her eyes and I study her while swimming in silence. "Why are you here?"

"I needed to get something from my car and I saw you," her eyes flutter open, her voice nonchalant. "Don't teachers see you here?"

"No, they don't, they won't." I answer, my tone resembling hers.

"How would you know that?"

"I know things," I toss the cigarette butt behind me and she twists, catching it midflight. "Why are you still here?" I take another from the box, lighting it.

"How did he taste like?" she plays with the white end, unravelling it in her hands.

"Like me, like coffee, like more than two years."

She takes my hand, fingers ghosting over my palm, breathing in smoke.

"And Cat?" I stare at her, holding back questions bubbling inside. "She told me," she adds after parting her lips to let the smoke out.

I look away, hearing a soft growl in my throat as breathe smoke in more than my lungs can, my hand trembling, the taste of her growing each second, nesting on my lips. "Sweet, really sweet like candy, like guilt."

"She's so messed up... thought you should know."

"I know." I would know, of all people. I'm the same... maybe even worse.

"Me, how do I taste like?" she looks towards the fender of my car, at nothing, a smile still lingering on her lips.

I stare at my hands, thinking hard, contemplating if I should answer. I look up, holding her gaze, realizing how close her face had come. "You taste like sin," I part my lips, as she leans closer and I can smell her breath, like oranges and smoke. "Like oranges," I breathe out barely whispering, my lungs devoid of air, as her lips softly, excruciatingly touch mine.

She pushes me against the wall and I try to spring back only to feel her nails digging on my shoulders once again, bringing my back against the wall, her teeth raking on my pulse.

"You're skin tastes like makeup."

I smirk, my hands fumbling on her shirt, shredding the cloth to fall on the ground. "That wouldn't taste like that if you didn't leave so many marks," I growl, as she licks basically the full length of my right shoulder.

"I like it this way," she emphasizes, biting deep where she previously left a gash I hid with the gauze that everyone gawked about.

"That just healed," I feel my jaw tighten, feeling her hands on my hips.

She pulls back, looking at me, eyes clouded and full of intent like a predator. "Tell me, how that cat bit you again?" she pushes strands of hair falling over my eyes, her fingers teasing my skin making my arch towards her warmth.

"I was trying shoo it away but it kept coming and attacked me." I answer, my eyes telling, blaming her.

"How did the cat look like?" she returns, teasing my jaw with her teeth, nails scraping at my ribs just underneath my bra.

"I wouldn't care enough to know; I hate animals..." I smirk, my eyes finding its way to the ceiling, fancying the odd specs of stain on its surface.

"Well I hate you," I feel her breath form each word on my neck adding to the heat building between my thighs while a moan escapes me.

"Can you shut up and save me from the agony of listening to your stupidity?" I arch into her only to meet air and a painful slap on my cheeks.

She yanks me by the wrist and I fall on the bed. She has that look again only this time her eyes seem wilder and her lips form a straight line as she crawls on top of me. I can only stare at her and wait until she's hovering over me, ripping my shirt and bra off with such ease while she sat on my hips. I buck towards her, pushing myself up to kiss her hungrily.

My phone rings, blasting out the song knowing that it was Beck's. Tori pushes me back down on the bed as she takes off her own shirt. She looks at my phone, "Aren't you gonna answer that, it's Beck."

"How did you—."

"I know things." She lowers herself, taking my mouth once again, filling me with her taste, biting on my lip like she's making sure that she stains every part of me.

Her fingers roughly pull out from inside me scratching my thighs as she does so. I collapse on the bed, panting as I watch her get up, pulling her shirt over her head.

I lay there thinking that I can't stop this anymore, that this won't be the last time.

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**A.N.: And I posted too soon. I think it's too soon, right? But I can't let this pass. I just had a shot of sweet, sweet juice from my muse while I was in the middle of washing dishes. (I wish I have a real muse so that I could just kiss it and then I'm inspired, so I wouldn't have to wash dishes.)**

**I'm sorry for cutting the lemon short. I just don't think that I have to go all the way to make this chapter work. And for that I also **** had to **sacrifice posting a shorter chapter.

**Crap! Please, don't slaughter me for this. I know how much you want to butcher me right now but please don't.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I am laaaaaate, sorry about that. Oh and I am sorry too because I don't own Victorious. Shouldn't everyone be sorry that they missed like five-seventeenths of their lives?

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She's leering at me from their table and nobody even notices—which is good. But, still, why doesn't anyone notice? I stab another piece of lettuce on my plate, my eyes rolling to one side to see Beck, his arm on my shoulder.

Somehow, Beck didn't even protest when I said I wanted to have lunch with just the two of us. He even smiled and steered me to a table himself. He's been smiling at me whenever I meet his eyes and I try not to shrink. Guilt it a bitch but… I look at Tori and somehow it seems better to dive in it like the nicotine still fresh on my lips from this morning.

"Why so happy?" I examine Beck closely, leaning in, painfully burning under the warmth of the light in his eyes. I used to love staring at them, feeling all the love I needed—need. They're still the same if not more adoring but I strain just to look at any part of him.

"Nothing special, I just am. And why not?"I see a tiny crease between his eyebrows and I reach out, smoothing it under my fingers. His smile grows warmer, and I feel a thousand pins stabbing at my chest. He leans down and kisses the edge of my lips his thumb on the other. I almost can't breathe—another million. I missed this for a while but I don't feel the same especially when I know she's watching, especially when I keep forgetting about him.

"Hey, can we sit with you guys?" I look up and see Andre with his food, Robbie beside him.

"It stinks back there. Apparently someone decided to puke in the lunch area," Robbie adds, stumbling on his feet though he was already standing.

"Watch it, you dumb-ass. I almost had my face planted," Robbie slaps himself with Rex's hand and apologizes, dusting Rex's clothes. Seriously, the kid needs professional help. I can certainly volunteer burning Rex but, then again, misery's a company like he has Rex. Yeah, I won't. It's fun that way, more misery for him.

Tori walks over with Cat trailing behind her, hiding. She's twisted back, whispering something to her, fingers almost tangling in Cat's bright red hair. I get sucked back, gut wrenching and I swallow, licking my lips between my teeth.

"Jade?" Beck looks at me, his eyes asking. I don't answer. I can feel my skin crawling. I don't know what to feel when both Beck and Tori are around me, especially with Cat here. I just had to mess around with the same people who I can't avoid being around all at the same time, hadn't I?

"There're no more tables around. Can we please sit here?" Tori sits, almost beside me, pulling Cat to sit on her other side. I press harder, scooting closer beside Beck. I have to move away.

"Go ahead," Beck chuckles seeing them already making themselves comfortable.

"Why so quiet, Jade? I don't know why but I'm kinda waiting for some kind of an insult," Robbie leans over the table, his hands on the edges, ready to spring back.

"Because I don't talk to people like you; I avoid it as much as possible," I glare at him, stabbing my plate, the plastic screeching. He pushes himself up, almost falling of off the bench, hands in front of himself.

"See, I told you, it's your fault why these things happen to you," Andre points a fork at Robbie, his eyebrows pulling down while he tries swallowing the food in his mouth.

"No, he's just thick," Tori adds flatly while looking me, the corner of her lips turning up. I stare back, resting my head on Beck's shoulder. "What's with you guys being all touchy-feely anyway?" she says, on eyebrow slightly dipping.

_Why are you so touchy-feely with Cat?_

I open my mouth but…

"I don't really know."

…Beck beats me to it.

I shut my mouth suddenly feeling Tori's fingertips ghosting on mine. I look at her in the eye, searching for something I don't even know what, and then she turns away.

"Cat, do you like oranges?" She goes rummaging through her bag.

"I haven't eaten oranges since the time I saw this picture with worms and holes and skin," Cat explodes, tongue sticking out, gagging. She really is a good actress or maybe just too easily distracted, or detached.

I haven't been able to do anything about what I did. She's been hanging too much around Robbie and even more with Tori and somehow it really bothers me more than it does when Robbie's trying to take advantage of her. But I guess, staying away from her is the best… for now.

"Here," Tori peels it in her hands and I look away, contemplating if I should leave. Too much is going on, and I can't pretend that nothing's wrong; at least, I can't just this time.

"Well, Jade likes oranges."

I snap my head back, hearing what Tori just said. "I never said I like oranges," I spit out impulsively and the whole table just stops completely. Nobody tries to speak. They know better than to ask about anything. I'm sure Beck will but he won't even try right now.

"But you seemed to like it, more than you _liked_ coffee," she put on a confused expression, being the Tori that _they_ know.

I stand up, "I'm going ahead," I kiss Beck on the cheek, my hair covering my eyes. He holds up, talking my loosely.

"I think you should," he lets my hand slide down as I make my way into the building, hearing his voice really soft, caring, understanding—almost like a cure. He has been for more than two years… at least, I thought he was.

The doors swing close behind me, finally shutting up the chatter out there and I exhale, my back finding the wall on my side. But it still won't shut up my whole body. I swallow, my heart beating in my ears, my gut squeezing air out of my chest, a thousand needles pricking on my skin, static buzzing in my head.

It's been two months that I've been in this… thing. It's so twisted that I can't even begin to understand her or why I'm doing this. She fucks me. I let her. She gets a kick out of it. I get what I want. There, it's simpler when you look at it that way. And every time, she leaves marks like she has to and I don't even know how my body copes with them but they disappear though not as fast as she does. After getting what I want, I don't feel anything; it's as if I'm empty, like I've been used, sucked dry. It's funny, really; I'm the one using here… at least I think I am.

But I still want it, despite…

She's right I do… _more than coffee._

I thought I can deal with this; I've tried to convince myself that this is okay as long as nobody finds out, as long as I get what I want. Now, I realize, this is… I may be in too deep.

_Nobody will find out. Cool it and you'll be fine._

Right. I need a smoke.

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**A.N.: Just to make things clear, I don't smoke nor do I encourage it, ever. And, yes, I can't stop the confusion.**

**I know you don't like fillers but… I don't too but that doesn't mean I hate them. So please drop a comment/review while not slaughtering me in the process though ****critical****-critical insights are HIGHLY ****wanted****.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm sorry if I'm so late... really late. But summer's finally here for me so hopefully updates will be up faster.**

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I can't believe this is happening.

I feel the air rushing, tearing against my skin, cutting. I know they're watching, relishing the look on my face. My heart crashes against my chest a thousand times at each step I take. The same halls I go through everyday seem smaller, closing up on me as I rush through them, hands desperately covering myself.

It's almost exactly like...except, this time, the bruises are real, this time, I won't get caught.

I claw my way into an empty bathroom, almost stumbling up to the mirrors. My knuckles turn white, fingers clasped on the sink. I hold myself up, steadying my breath.

That girl, she's gonna pay. Once is already unforgivable but to do it again... I'm gonna destroy her.

I look up, straining to view myself through blurry eyes. My teeth clench tighter.

When have I started to tear up?

I rub furiously at my eyes, allowing them to sting, allowing black to further stain my skin. I breathe again, feeling my legs steady with each gasp of air I take. I can still barely see anything but I know I look like a mess—wet hair sticking to my face, reddened eyes, smeared eyeliner on my cheeks, and dark marks littering every inch of my neck.

These, Tori made.

I trace each one with closed eyes, blood pulsing at every touch.

This one on my pulse... her last mark before she left just last night, still fresh and throbbing. And this near the back of my ear...that time when she pulled me into Beck's car.

A smile creeps its way on my lips and I welcome it. Beck doesn't deserve this feeling I offer each stain on my body but I welcome it like the taste I've grown defiantly addicted to—the slight tang of each kiss; the taste of orange.

"Jade, are you okay?" I hear a shaky voice from behind me and the doors swinging close. I feel like I'm in a vacuum, air sucked out of my chest, cracking in the pressure. My mind races. Whattodowhattodowhattodo. Fuck. I stay frozen, staring at the reflection behind me. I see a blot of red like blood on the mirror, shifting. This just turned into something harder to deal with.

_Get out! But not even a sound leaves my mouth, my heart still caught in my throat. I don't want to do this, I just want to crawl up under my bed. But I have to do this or everything crashes,_

I hear hesitant steps come closer, my sight clearing up.

Oh, no. No. No, this can't be happening. Not again. Why does it have to be her that catches me in situations like this? Who knows how much damage I can do to her now. Please don't come any closer.

She's looking at me, eyes flicking to my neck. My hands cover exposed skin desperately, my eyes shutting tight, shutting her out. She comes closer, the warmth of her approaching hand radiating on my skin.

The irony of it all...to have a secret destroyed the same way it was created: water on my face, makeup running on my skin, running for cover —a sick joke the world has been playing on me.

"What—where did those come from? Did a—"

"No."

It would've been easier to take advantage of her...'loopy-ness' but I just can't bring myself to it. I know she'll take it, pretend that what I tell her is the truth.

"Then—"

I spin around, glaring hard into her eyes, "They're nothing, okay? Nothing." I refuse to fuck her up more than she already is.

"Uh." Her hand falls behind her neck, eyes averting mine. "Are you going to be fine?"

"Cat."

"Yes?" Her head shoots up instantly, almost too eagerly.

"I'm sorry."

"F-for what?"

"That you have to be sucked in all this..."

"It's okay," a smile turns up in her lips and my stomach twists into knots.

This is the worst kind of guilt. I'm making everything worse for her—having her bottle up everything and hide all the monsters from herself like every bad memory she let slip between bursts of meaningless chatter to mask them all with things nobody notices or even cares to understand.

"I don't have to know why or what if you don't want me to. As long as you're okay, and everybody's okay, I'll be fine," she picks up in the silence.

"Cat, you're—" I sigh, "Okay. I'll be okay."

"Where have you been?" Beck plops down next to me, eyebrows dipping, lips slightly pursing.

"Been out destroying someone's life," I tell him, which is what I have been really up to.

"Whose?"

"You don't want to know the details,"

Cat peeks at him from beside me, "Jade's been really..._scary."_

"I would be surprised if she wasn't." Tori comes up behind me with her tray.

"Surprised at what?" Robbie appears next to her.

I turn, facing him, "Are you gonna eat that?"

"I just got here."

"Oh," I tip his tray, letting the sandwich fall flat on the floor. "Are you still gonna eat that?"

"Why does she keep doing this to me!" he bends down, complaining to his puppet, while picking up the mess off the floor.

I turn back, picking at the food on my plate.

"Jade," Beck warns.

"I told you she's been scary," Cat says, huffing like a little kid.

My lips beg for even a small smile no one would notice.

"You gotta feel sorry for the dude," Andre nudges Beck, while adding ketchup on his hotdog, "—always been the target of lady hormones."

Tori just shrugs, taking a seat next to Cat and looking at me. I smirk. She arches an eyebrow. Cat looks at me then to her and starts bubbling out random stuff while smiling at me. My heart thuds and I stick my fork into a piece of bread.

_Almost your ordinary day._

"He loves you too much," Tori says, standing up from the bed, the soft moonlight coming in from the window glowing on her bare skin.

"Oh, and we're talking now?" I grab her wrists, lying on my stomach near the edge of the mattress.

"Nope," she says simply, trying to pull her wrist free.

My fingers dig into her skin, "Cat saw them."

"Saw what?" Tori asks. Now she's worried.

"Saw these." I point to the marks on my neck.

"She never told me."

"We're fine now." No more asking questions—a silent agreement with Cat. But then, that still doesn't mean 'fine'.

"I'll talk to her." She pulls again.

"She doesn't know anything else." I keep hold of her, sliding off a bit toward the edge.

"Can you let go?"

"No." My hand grips even tighter while I push myself slightly up with my other hand. "Let me touch you."

She pauses, almost horrified.

"You're pushing it," she says.

"Pushing what?" I pull her to me.

_Take them one by one and let the blood spill out..._

"This." She finally looks into my eyes. "I may hate you but I don't like hurting Beck or anybody else."

"Oh, really Vega?" I scoff. "And, yet, here you are half naked in my room. I thought you've thrown away all guilt."

She doesn't answer.

"Or am I worth feeling the guilt over?" I continue, tugging her down so that half her body rests beneath me on the bed,

"I should be asking you the same question," she purses, her wrist still caught in my grasp.

"Oh come on, I throw everything away when we're like... this." I slowly plant my lips on hers, the gentleness even shocking me.

Like this . . . I give up everything for these short moments, for the taste of her.

* * *

**A.N.: I have a surprise for you guys next chapter and it's a bitch to write...**

**Anyway, I just want to thank ShinyThingsGirl (1704215) for beta-ing and telling me off about my "inside-the-head-writing" or something I like to call "loopy-ness"**

**Anyway, I'm working on one-shots.. so please check them out when I get to post them (self-advertising much?).**

**Tell me what you think. All reviews are loved and welcomed.**

**Please don't slaughter me (it's tradition) if I took too long... the turtle is here.**

**PS: I don't like Robbie so...**


	10. Chapter 10

**So, here's the supposed surprise...but I don't think it came off as one.**

* * *

Tell me why you did it. Who were you? Who are you now?

I breathe her in like air, her face cupped between my palms, her lips soft against mine.

I was hers a moment ago, have been hers for quite a while... now, it's my turn.

I pull back and her eyes flutter open, eyelashes brushing over my cheeks. I kiss them...her forehead, her ear, the corner of her mouth, her lips.

I should be scared—scared of myself, of what she's doing to me. But I can't stop myself even if I wanted to, when all I can think of is her body beneath mine.

Her mouth slowly opens, my tongue licking between her lips. She takes me in, back arching from the bed, fingers weaving up the back of my neck. I push her back, silently begging to be closer than physics will let me. My lips move down, over her neck, her pulse, her shoulder, smelling my perfume mixed with her scent.

Can you feel this? Can you finally _see_ me after all the times that your eyes went blank, staring through me?

My lips leave her body. I hold myself up, watching the way it ripples as she shudders, cold air enveloping her in the absence of my touch. Her lips curl into a warm smile in the dim light and my heart stops, arms almost giving out on me. She arches up to me, slowly capturing my lips.

It's nothing like the first time when my lips bled into her mouth. Somehow all that has been replaced by the softness of her lips—no, this _is_ the first time.

"Tori," I whisper, wanting to feel her name buzz between our lips as my body melds with hers, her warmth matching mine. It builds slowly, her hands stroking along my spine, my hands unclasping her bra, like embers glowing back to life after the burn out, after the ashes have blown away.

Her hands suddenly cover her chest, eyes avoiding me. I take them in mine, kissing her fingers, her palms, her wrists, and she lets them rest on the bed. I look up and take her lips again, fluttering down her chin. My hands caress her sides, letting them inch up her breasts.

Want me—want me the way your body wants me.

I kiss the valley between her breasts, feeling the urge to leave my mark on her just like she did so many times. Her body heaves as my hands, my lips caress them, sucking at the tip of her breast. I hear her moan in the static of the air.

"Jade," she breathes and I can't breathe.

My lips hover over hers to remind me how to breathe again, to feel a piece of her life rush out of her lungs and touch my skin. I can't stop now, not when my chest rises and falls with hers like I'm learning how— like I'm trying to get the rhythm of her heart.

What is your heart telling you?

I pant against her neck, and I can almost hear her heartbeat. I feel her hands stoke my hair and I meet her eyes, soft, even worried. My heart misses a beat and I try to smile—smirk.

My hand moves down, brushing between her legs. Her muscles pulse at my touch, at the butterfly kisses down her throat that vibrates against my lips—they tell me things that only my body understands. Down, down. I pull her panties, putting them aside. I move back to her lips once more, parting her legs slowly.

There, laying flat before me, I see for the first time all of her. Her hand rests above her eyes, breathing turning heavy. My head dips down, lips tasting her, finding the right strings to play.

You make my body sing, resonate with the tune you make under my touch. Can you hear it through my beaten nerves, through the broken notes of each chord?

Between her legs my lips touch and her breath hitches. My heart beats harder, banging at my chest, begging me to stop because it knows of the pain that comes after this desire. The lock around my chest has been torn open and there's nothing left to protect my heart from the minefield I dare tread, foot hovering over a trigger. Let the explosion come.

My lips suck lightly and a moan leaves her throat making my whole body tremble. She pulls me up to her and kisses me softly, my hands grazing her inner thigh. I take in air—her hair smells like wildflowers—trying to silence my heart and the growing ache stemming from it. My hand caresses her bud and she draws me into an embrace, the warmth of her breath brushing against my ear. Another tender kiss and the glowing embers are about to burst into a complete flame. My fingers enter her slowly. The air fills with the soft—almost singing—sound of her voice that forms no words but creeps up into my heart telling me things it shouldn't.

On crumpled sheets, she breaks, panting. I lick my lips seeing her hair tussled, chest still heaving. I let my lips kiss her until her body relaxes. I lay beside her, waiting for her to do or say something. Her eyes flicker at me for a fleeting second.

"I was... bad back then," she breathes out like she's been holding it in for so long. I turn towards her, lying on my side.

"Manipulated people, 'the horrible bitch' and I was barely a freshman," she keeps staring at the ceiling like she's far away. "I almost tried drugs, fooled around with seniors—everyone knew not to mess with me," she finally turns, lying on her side, hands pillowing her head, a chaste smile on her face. "Now you know."

"Why are you telling me all this?" It's not sinking in no matter how hard I try, it's...

"It's stupid, really. I have a great family that loves me," she laughs, ignoring my question. "I may have loose ends that twist here and there, that's why I did things that..." she sighs, "I just did things and apparently now still _do,"_ she suddenly eyes me. "I had to stop. I was hurting my family and _I had to stop,"_ her teeth clench at the last words.

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Damn it, Tori.

"You wanted to know what _is_ 'wrong' with me, right?" she smiles, face suddenly soft, tucking away strands of hair from my eyes, fingers brushing my cheeks. "You can say I was a broken toy from the very beginning. Maybe that's why I beheaded and melted Barbies whether they were mine or not," she laughs.

"You already told me that nothing's wrong with you." Nothing's sinking in but I smile, feeling a twisted surge of fascination at the shifting emotions hiding behind her eyes.

She frowns, "We should stop this," her warmth leaving me.

"I don't want to," I say without thinking, voice commanding, tinged with desperation. I always thought I'd be the one to stop this—whatever this is. You're cheating Tori.

"But we have to," she smiles again before getting up.

"Tori," I say and she stops, halfway through her jeans, "what do I taste like?"

She smiles, "Almost like me, like oranges," and it's like she's really smiling.

* * *

**A.N.: What have I gotten myself into?**

**That was HARD! You won't believe how long it took me to write this but it was a labour of love (like a mother going into labour for 12 hours because the baby's too lazy to wake up... true story). Seriously, I got to a point of almost quitting on this scene and skipping over. If it weren't for ShinyThingsGirl (I can't thank you enough!) I would've trashed this and continued stalling myself with one-shots.**

**On another note, I think this is gonna end soon. I still can't get my Jade voice right and it's stressing me out.**

**Wait, who reads these anyway? Puhpleeease doth noth slaughter meeeh. (see I can act all stupid and no one would even notice)**

**PS: Whilst on a conquest of editing like crazy, I was playing with a kitten white as snow named Tonton (for cotton) and I can't believe how inappropriate that was...**


	11. Chapter 11

"Earth to Jade."

"Quit wiggling your hand in my face," I swat it away, looking far off down the hall.

"Okay," the hand drops, "but you're spacing out and you never space out so I—"

"I'm not spacing out," I say glaring at the obnoxious existence beside me, "and who gave you the permission to even stand near me?"

"I asked Beck the other day," Sinjin smiles, twisting like he's squeamish or something. "Should I kneel?" and he does so.

"Well," I look down at him, "tell Beck he won't get any for the rest of the month."

He nods furiously, hair flopping over his glasses, still on his knees like a little puppy that I just want to kick so badly.

"Oh," I stop halfway through a step, looking over my shoulder, "and stay like that for the rest of the day and, who knows, maybe you'll get a lock of my hair or," I look down at my hand, "this coffee cup after I'm done with it."

"Y-yes!" Then a bag hits his face as a student passes by him. It's great to be worshipped. I walk away, cradling my bag on my shoulder.

"You're not really gonna give him a lock of your hair, are you?" Robbie jogs up beside me, hand up his puppet.

"No," I answer, sipping at my coffee. I've been drinking a lot of it lately.

I still can't taste her.

"That dude is weird," Rex says, Robbie's lips moving with his.

"You make me laugh," I turn, meeting Robbie's smug smile, "and you're not funny. After Sinjin, you're probably the most disturbed person at this school."

"Whoa, scary," the puppet moves and I smack it.

"If that puppet won't shut up, I'll cut its fingers one by one and rip its limbs off." All I taste are coffee and smoke.

"Bitch—" Robbie covers the puppets mouth, ducking then leaving nervously.

"Two or, should I say, three in a row, wow," Tori pushes herself off her locker, the usual smile on her face.

My lips twitch, aching to touch all of her. I want her so bad it hurts. It hurts that I can't have her, that I have to keep pretending that nothing ever happened between us. She said to stop and she did—we did that very night a month ago. I don't have anything left of it but a thin white scar on my shoulder that's barely even there. I touch it every night, every time Beck touches me on his bed. I feel like I'm carving myself hollow because she ran too deep under my skin and I have to fill myself with Beck again to survive. Sometimes I just want to convince myself that this is a nightmare that one day I will wake up from and be in her arms the night before she sent me spiraling further, before she said that we needed to stop. But that isn't me…I will never turn into such a pathetic existence.

"You're talking to me," I say like she shouldn't. The pain grows each day, every time I see her. I'm sick of it, sick of hanging on to every strand she leaves, to every moment I see her. I'm sick of feeling pain and I want to hide away behind the walls I've let crash down around me. But I can't, she won't let me. I won't let me.

She blinks, "How can you always be that…grouchy every morning?" her eyes narrowing. She's doing it again and she's so damn good at it, mocking me, pretending like she knows nothing, crawling into my nerves.

"Good morning!" Cat chimes, walking up between us, beaming brighter than the sun. Somehow the hardness building in my chest melts a little, just enough for me to breathe, not to boil over. I want Tori, I admit that, but I can't ignore the pain she gives me especially when I see that behind her eyes, she…doesn't care.

"Hey, Cat, what's that?" Tori greets her with a cheerful ring in her voice. I see Beck; he waves to me and joins the two of them, looking at what Cat has in her hands. I lean on his back, sucking in air, filling myself with his scent. I tune out the rest of their conversation. I don't need Tori, I just need Beck and that's enough, no complications just—

I open my eyes, smelling wildflowers and oranges. Tori's standing in front of me, watching, and peeling an orange in her hands.

"Cat brought it, loads of them actually," she smiles and it reminds me of that dream before I kissed Cat—was it a dream? "You want some?" she asks, taking a piece and holding out to me. I don't nod but somehow she holds it against my lips and I open them without any reluctance. She smiles again, tilting her head to the side, her finger almost touching my lips.

"That was…weird, weird and hot," Andre says, coming into view from behind me, eyebrows knitting. I growl, pushing off of Beck's back.

"What was weird and hot?" Beck turns, Cat peeking over his shoulder.

"I just handfed Jade an orange slice," Tori grins, acting as if she'd won something.

"I want one too!" Cat skips in front of me, tip-toeing up Tori who then feeds her a slice.

"Now, that's cute," Andre nods, popping a piece of the fruit into his mouth.

Beck puts his arm around me, laughing lightly at the others as they fling orange peels at each other. He looks at me and smiles, kissing my forehead. I don't know how Beck does it, how he shrugs off his suspicions about me and Tori like he programmed himself to think otherwise because it's just too ridiculous to even begin to think of, right? He let me go at the time when he could've pried me open and seen the horrible things I've done to him. Maybe he loves me too much, or maybe it's just pride—no he's not that guy. He's my safety net and god knows I want him to be more than that, not because it'd be easier that way but because he deserves it. I kiss him on the lips, silently repeating 'I'm sorry' again and again.

My mouth tastes like her again and I don't know how my heart does two things at the same time—it breaks into pieces and flutters like a million paper cranes. I burn them down with the taste of coffee so that this thing in my chest breaks harder in the ashes. It's better this way.

::

Last period and all I've been doing is burying myself next to Beck and forcing myself to look at nothing and not at Tori. I've been digging my fingers into my palm too much and it's starting to hurt. I focus at it, not wanting to feel anything else as Tori glances at me.

"I love you but I can't…" she looks back at Robbie, "I can't turn my back on everything for you."

"But you can because I'm ready to leave behind anything for you," he touches her face and I close my eyes. "Don't look away…"

"Please don't do this. I—"

"And scene!" Sikowitz shouts from the back and my eyes shoot open only to meet Tori's. "No kissing today, kids."

She smiles, licking between her lips as she looks away—another strand. I don't know what she wants from me. Is this just her, slipping off her mask and missing who she was? I refuse to be her plaything.

"But I do have another assignment for you guys—"

I tune out the crazy instructor as I run my hand across the scar on my shoulder. I can still remember each part where she left marks on me but I can't remember where Beck touched me last night—all a blur. I keep comparing them both and it makes me hate myself more than I already have since the day Tori showed me a side of her that she tried to bury. I thought I could forget the guilt but it came rushing back, pouring over me.

"…Jade and Tori. Pair up!" Sikowitz claps, moving up front, hands on his hips.

I look around me and everyone's moving from their chairs. Tori sits beside me and I can't read her face. Beck gets up, sighing. The bell rings. "Remember, it should be a love story… well, not a story but a scene and no complaining about your partner. See you next week."

I stand, picking up my bag. I have to do a scene with Tori, Tori fucking Vega, and it has to be a love story… I make my way out the classroom, hand gripped tightly on Beck's.

* * *

**A.N.: Give me some slack… I forced this one out for you guys even when one of our kittens died…actually two of them already did and I'm going through a writer's block.**

**So any way, please review and maybe I'll get the next chapter up sooner..**

**No slaughtering (it doesn't feel the same though).**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer...is there really a need?**

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It scares me that I can let myself be like this, like a puppet suspended on strings, letting the world steer me along as I push away the reasons why I should and shouldn't be here making my way up the stairs to Tori's room. It's better to think of nothing else but my breathing and the air around me. But no matter how I try to push away all thought, my heart keeps beating on, reminding why I'm really here—_youwantthis._ I keep listening to it rather than I should the saner part of me that I know is screaming hell—_she'sgoingtonbreakyou_.

Her door opens and I see her teeth glint in the dim light of her room. She's holding the door, biting her lip, keeping her eyes set on the carpeting between our feet. This is the last chance, the last window I can jump off to ditch her and just forget about the scene altogether, to keep my exposed heart safe from her, from myself. But from how high I've gotten, will I even survive the fall; will I even hit the pavement? I may already be falling but for a very different reason altogether.

Slowly, her eyes trail up to meet mine and I know we both know that when her door closes behind me, everything that we've done could come crashing back, exploding worse than it had before.

"Aren't you gonna let me in or do I have to push past you?" I know what I have to do even if the wall I put up can crumble anytime… at least I can tell myself I tried no matter how weak and pathetic that sounds.

Her face shifts into something I've grown familiar with—something that, deep down inside, I missed. "Don't make me hate myself more than I already have," her teeth clench. It should scare me how similar we are but, as crazy as it sounds, it excites me.

"Oh, we don't want that," I say, taking her hand off the door knob.

"Let's just get this over with and move on," she sighs, slipping out of my grasp and stepping aside to let me in.

"Why?" I reach for her hand again lightly.

"Because we need to," she steps back and my grip tightens around her wrist.

"And what is it that we need to do?"

"Jade," she glares at me, words sharp enough to cut through flesh but what's another scar when you've already bled dry?

"Tori," I reply, stepping closer, swinging the door shut behind me.

"Jade, stop," she pulls free, moving away from me, a hand on her forehead.

"Then tell me why you stopped." I can hear them, my walls crumbling and she didn't even have to do anything—so effortless.

She looks up, worry slipping off her face. She smiles, "You took all the fun away from it."

I don't even know which Tori I'd believe in, which mask she's putting on.

"Well at first it was to mess with your head but the rest was for…fun," she adds, smile growing wider and I never knew my heart could break any further.

I laugh. It's like that day she told me it was all a sick joke but this time it hurts so much I can't even begin to numb the pain—tears won't even fall. I want to bleed, be cut open, whatever—just take this pain away. I should've believed what she told me before.

"Okay," I look up, eyes stinging. I won't cry. I will not lose the last sliver left of my pride. "What did you have in mind for the scene?"

::

"I-I don't care if you're a girl. I don't even care if I have to share you with him. I just—please…" Tori falters, hair curtaining her face, hands gripping on my shoulders.

"I can't give you what you want," I answer, voice almost breaking from the irony of it all—the walls are laughing at me. This is torture.

"I know it won't be easy…" she looks up, "but I just can't give up on you," and for a moment I almost believe that it is her talking, begging.

"Look, let's just forget about this…" I cup her face and something in her eyes flashes, freezing me for a moment but I continue, "…and move on, Janey. We'll grow out of it, I promise you."

I've let the window close, away from the ledge but I'm still falling. How fun

"Do you think this is just a phase?" she shakes me, voice cracking. "Do you think this is easy? Do you think I don't get hurt hearing you say that? Do you know how much it hurts to see you with him?"

Tears start falling on my hand and I pull it away only to replace it with my lips. This isn't supposed to be happening, this wasn't part of any script but she accepts my lips. I can taste her tears but above all else I can taste oranges and I never thought I'd be desperate for the taste of some fruit. But this isn't some fruit. This is Victoria Vega and she's all that I've been craving. I pull her close and she breaks away with a breathy laugh.

"That was good. We should add that," she claps, flipping pages in her notebook.

"No," I say, watching her look up from her bed. "No." Stop pretending. Stop hurting me. Stop hurting yourself. "You want me."

She smirks. "Seriously, Jade."

"Stop fucking with me and tell me what you really want to say because I can't take your bullshit anymore!" I can feel every bit of me shaking in anger—almost in fear of exposing myself, of the what-ifs.

She looks up from her notebook, "How many times do you want to hear it from me?" She stands, but she doesn't look at me and I know, I know I'm right because she's wavering. "I don't feel any pleasure breaking you like this…when I—after how hard I've tried to fix myself."

"Oh, so that was just you slipping? How convenient that it happens just with me. I said, stop the bullshit." I need to keep pushing her, prying her open even if I have to use these claws that have grown dull, too tired of it all. I know she's hiding behind the person that she was, denying what I know she feels.

"I know what I do to you, Jade. I'm not blind. I wanted to stop because I'm scaring myself. I'm a bigger monster than I thought I was. I'll just tear you to shreds." She keeps looking down, hands creeping up her shoulders, fingers digging into her skin.

I move closer to her, "Let me prove it to you," I say barely above whisper.

She laughs softly. "Prove what?"

It is funny. It's funny that let ourselves hurt, denying ourselves of the cure that's right in front of us. It'll hurt like a syringe plunging straight into the heart but that doesn't mean the pain from it will never go away.

"That you want me as much as I want you."

I know, I've said it a million time but I'm sorry Beck.

* * *

**A.N.: Coffee, why do you make me sleepy?**

**I don't know why, but no matter how many times I rewrite and edit this chapter, I'm still not satisfied with it…and there's this one line that I just can't get right.**

**Anyway, I can feel that the end is really near…**

**Oh! Please review (should I do it? yeah) and no slaughtering (favorite word, you know).**


	13. Chapter 13

"_That you want me as much as I want you."_

My fingers brush over her hand and she flinches, stealing a glance at me and then looks away, licking between her lips.

"That you're just scared to admit it," I continue, watching the way her eyes flicker even in the dim light of her room."That you know just how I feel for you," I lean closer, almost feeling her breath on my skin. "That we can't keep pretending," I touch her face, tucking away strands of her hair and she looks up, eyes telling me to stop. "That you aren't the person you were," I breathe out, touching her bottom lip as her teeth sink down on it. "That just maybe you made me fall in love with you," I smile because _just maybe_ I really have. "That you're scared and that I'm right." And that you've fallen too.

Silence sweeps the space between us breaking only at the sound of my lips meeting hers softly.

My lips linger on hers as I hesitantly pull away—I'd rather touch her than breathe—even if every bit of me screams for more, blood streaming to my fingertips like daggers under my skin. For once, my eyes leave her as I sharply gasp for air—I still have to because I'm still human—because a part of me is still scared of bearing myself again. But I have to even if at the end she shatters me, tears me apart like she said she could. There's always a price to be paid.

"Say something," I whisper, trying to meet her averting eyes. I know this is not the time to speak but I can't go on without a real reaction from her, one with resolve, one I can understand even if it seems too much to ask from just saying the words I said.

She finally looks up, "I don't really want to…not right now." Not right now.

I close my eyes. I don't know if this will work but in the end I'll keep on living, right? This will not kill me. No.

Blood rushes through my every vein like it has done a thousand times before, every time she touches me. But this time, it feels like my veins will explode with her filling every space—overflowing. This is her. This is her that has been hiding beneath her layers of masks. This is her lips moving against mine, pulling me in, arms circling around my neck with touches so soft that for once I feel like floating.

Her tongue sweeps between my lips and I lean closer desperately wanting more. Her lips travel down my neck, down where she bit me and I shudder. I don't know what this is, what's going to happen next but I take it all with open arms.

Her delicate fingers open my shirt slowly and I can hear myself breath heavier as I watch the way they move, picking at the buttons, brushing my bare skin. The cloth slides over my shoulder, her fingers leading the way down my arm. For a split second I thought she'd hold my hand, slip between my fingers that ache for her filling the spaces—the spaces that make me hollow—but she moves away, taking my face with both hands and kissing me. Her lips burn against my skin—like they're telling me this is bad… that I shouldn't. It doesn't matter though. It doesn't matter. I lean into her, taking all that should be mine… that will be mine as my hands creep under her shirt, over her back.

In the daze of her touches, our clothes fall forgotten on the floor. And I fall on the bed, covered in Victoria Vega, in her warmth, her lips trailing down my chest, our bodies melding together in a mess of tangled limbs. My hands roam her back, her thighs, the back of her neck, her sides and in my mind there is no more perfect picture than this; perfectly imperfect. My heart still thuds erratically against my chest, saying a million things all at the same time.

_Stop._

_Run._

_Perfect. _

_More._

_Last. _

_Mine._

_Tori._

She's stroking me between my thighs and I pant not even caring if I'm breathing in any air, watching her with clouded eyes as she does it. My muscles are rippling, her breath hot on my cooling skin and my hips buck—an impulsive plea for more. She slides a finger slowly, and an unfamiliar sound erupts from my throat mixed with fragments of her name. She smiles and moves down to kiss me once more, teeth nipping at my lips. Please make this last forever. She adds another digit, my breathing turning ragged. And my nails found their way, digging at Tori's back, trying to keep her close—the cold is engulfing me, making me think of things that hurt me like a prelude to what might come. She whispers inaudible nothings against my hair. Please… My fingers slide off her back, clutching the sheets under me as I climax, chest heaving, devoid of air and of any thought but the girl in front of me, inside of me.

She kisses my forehead as pleasure washes over me, slowly becoming aware of everything around me, the sheets of paper crumpled at our feet, a pen digging at my back and her smile as she watches me quietly, fingers running through my hair. I close my eyes and catch the mess of her hair, and suddenly everything's super real and detached at the same time

"Say something," I whisper again.

"Please, Jade, this is enough..."

"What do you mean by enough?" My throat is growing thick.

"No more of this," she kisses me and something breaks in me. "I tried."

::

My mind won't let me forget, mocking me as it replays over and over again everything that I've done with Tori. I wince, lips still trembling, as I muffle sobs with my fingers clutching at the mess of my hair. I wipe another tear, pulling my legs to my chest, sheets gathering at my feet as I drag them on the bed, my back flat on the wall of my room.

God, I love her… why her, why now? I want to laugh at the pain, at how ridiculous I look right now but I can't anymore. I don't know if I am even capable of feeling anything else but pain and anger. I've given everything that I can. It's my fault that I'm like this now—a vulnerable hollow shell of the person I used to be. I knew all along but I wouldn't accept it. I kept telling myself what I wanted to believe in.

"Jade." I hear from the door, a soft knock following. I burrow my face in my knees, hand tugging harder on my hair. "Jade," the voice calls louder, banging at the door. My head shoots up, throwing the first thing my hand finds and my phone shatters as it hits the hard wood of the door, landing in pieces on the floor. "Jade, I have the key."

"Leave me the fuck alone, Beck!" My voice screeches, raking at my throat.

My door slams shut, the other side of my bed sinking.

"I haven't seen you for three days," he starts, unmoving.

I don't look up. I don't need Beck. I don't need anybody but—

"What's wrong?"

And I look up, staring at him, empty of any emotion, "Nothing."

"Jade, how long have you been—" he moves closer, almost leaping to my side. _My little puppy._

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me," I can feel my face twisting into a smile that I don't understand.

His eyes widen, flickering at every part of me visible in the stream of light from the crack of my door, grabbing my shoulders and tearing my hand from my hair. "What happened?"

"Many things," I turn my head watching him, voices dripping with cheer.

"Tell me what happened." His hands move slowly up to my cheeks and I lean into them, closing my eyes. I want her, Beck.

"Shh," I whisper. I want her so don't talk right now. Be her for me, Beck. Give her to me. I pull his lips to mine and it's almost as if I can taste oranges. He ate oranges.

* * *

**A.N.: I'm sorry if I kept anyone waiting. I just got out from a major writer's block and I already feel rusty (and lazy… super turtle mode!). Luckily, My Chemical Romance overdose was all I needed, lol (and it's also the reason if this takes a darker turn… *hint* *hint*)**

**I think it'll stretch into two more chapters at most and I'm gonna start on the next chapter right away.**

**And for that, I think I deserve much beating (but still no slaughtering—no, I will not get rid of this obnoxious thing that I write).**


	14. Chapter 14

**Before you read this, I recommend listening to the band "Stars" (especially 'Elevator Love Letter' and "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead') while you read this because they are awesome! and Kanye's (yes, Kanye West) "street lights".**

**I own nothing and so is the song in this fic…**

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I feel emptier than I already am as I pull my clothes on me, walking away from a stumbling Beck who's calling out to me after I've forced myself on top of him. I take his torn clothes from the floor, shutting the door behind me. I throw them out the window.

I make my way out the door, stopping to look up my window before I get into my car, scissors in my hand. I know he's worried—I saw fear in his eyes—but the thing is I don't give a fuck. I shut the door of my car, pressure drumming at my ears as I tear on the steering wheel, hand tightly clasped, nails dragging along the leather. I drive away, feet aching to floor the throttle, to speed away from everything—no escape.

I rev the car, shifting up a gear as I go through the empty freeways at the edges of Hollywood, drifting at every corner, teeth gritted as my heart sinks, slowly being set on fire as I hold back the chaos in my chest that's telling me to drive off a cliff. I suddenly hit the brakes, whiplashing from the car seat, seatbelt embedding bruises along my ribs. I breathe hard through my teeth, smashing my fist on the steering wheel.

I don't know how to deal with this. I want her right now and I swear I'd tear apart anything that tries to get in my way even if that includes me or her. But I can't and I don't fucking know why.

I rest my head back, looking out the window as the horizon swallows up the sun, blood spilling all over the sky like chaos, almost like what's running under my skin. I loll my head to the seat beside me. I see my scissors, sharp as knives and… Beck's phone—I don't even remember taking it. Suddenly, my body shoots forward, hovering over the scissors and I bite on my cheeks. _No._ I pick up the phone.

_Meet me at the back of the school at midnight. Get me what I want and you'll get yours. –Jade. Send._

I let the phone fall to the floor of my car as I sink down in my seat, hands creeping up to claw off the tears that fall anyway.

Fuck this.

::

I turn off the headlights of my car as I park a block away from Hollywood Arts, preferring the cold possibly numbing my lungs and hopefully my heart. I pass by a small park, watching the swing dangle unmoving even at the bitter rush of wind. I make my way to it, slowly wrapping my hand around the chain link of the swing. I can't feel anything, not even the sting of the metal against my skin, refusing to let go. I sit down on it, pushing myself with my feet on the ground. I watch my breath pushing out from my lips and disappear.

There is no calm in this. The cold only stirs up things in me, nipping away at what's supposed to be left in me. It reminds me of pain, of revenge, of slipping away into the darkness and that of being forever alone. Who am I kidding? Forever is a long time. I'll be long dead before my life even licks at forever. But forever seems like now. Forever seems like now.

I open my eyes and find myself almost hurling into the night sky with the air slicing against my skin. I hold on to the chains of the swing, fingers threatening to give away, skin tearing on the metal as my nails start to break. A smile almost cracks from my lips. I just have to let go and then I'll fly off away from it all—end it all.

Nothing compares to her lips even if her tongue is lapping at the blood her teeth drew from me. Whether she's caressing me or clawing at my skin, it does not make any difference. I know that now and all I want is her and her to want me the same. But I can't, can I? I can't force her or it will never be how I want it to be. A gap will always be there and a void will always remain in my heart.

I've burned her memory on my mind—my body—the way she looks at me, the way I look at her, the way she touched me, and the way I touched her. And they will always haunt me and remind me of the pain and the emptiness that I will always carry. It sounds stupid to fall in love with someone like her, given the circumstances we've set off from. But it's something that I can't help, something that I slipped into without knowing, something that I still dived into with all hesitation when realization knocked me off my feet—even if that doesn't make much sense. It's my fault that I forced myself to burrow into her, to embed myself, so she will not forget—not knowing that it was her that burrowed into me—and somehow accept me and what I want to take and give up to her.

We aren't made—meant for each other. We don't fit each other's spaces and, in the end, we'll just tear each other down if she hasn't already done it to me. She wasn't supposed to lose control. I wasn't supposed to know deep inside the endless ocean that is Tori. She wasn't supposed to let me in. I wasn't supposed to give in to the point of begging at her feet to take me. I was supposed to keep loathing her and have her shrug it off like the person she wants to be. We were supposed to be people who just happen to be in the same group of friends, not going further than snarky comments and distaste for each other. Then she just had to change what's supposed to be, against the natural order of things—her own nature that keeps bubbling up as she tries harder to hide it. Whatever came to her that made her show herself to me means something and I may never find out what she meant exactly of it—I will never know what exactly lies at the depths of her eyes.

For a moment, I am suspended in air, silencing everything in me but my heart that's still screaming at me for letting it speak of a person's name. When have I jumped off the swing? My knees hit the grass first, my palms, then my face. I could stay like this and rot to the ground, get carried off by ants, or be feasted on by maggots…any of which will never happen as I stumble back on my feet.

_A little more, a little higher and I sh—could've cracked._

_I already have…_

I walk away, leaving a ghost of a presence as the swing moves back and forth still. I close my tired eyes once more.

Everything after feels like snapshots in suspended broken pieces of frames: the dark sky, the street lights that I pass, the shadows that follow me, and the picture of Tori flashing behind my eyelids. Everything seems broken until I find myself walking in the halls of Hollywood Arts, feet moving on their own will, leading me to a music room, a melancholic chaos of a melody streaming from the crack of the open door. My hand pushes the door slightly while a pair of eyes watches me glinting even in the pitch black of the room.

Light switches on and I walk in, slowly making my way towards a figure clad in black leather, clutching a guitar. The figure looks up from its instrument, a smile creeping across its face.

"Blood," the figure points to my forearm and I look at it and the horizontal cuts that form red lines, covered in fresh and dry blood. I shake my head.

"I thought I'd try cutting," I say looking down and tracing the lines where my scissors touched. Since when have I started doing this? I don't remember.

"Well, it's nice that you finally decided to take me up on my offer," the figure stands, almost towering above me, arms snaking around me to touch my behind.

My head shoots up. "Don't touch me, Daniels, or I'll bite off your tongue," I spit out, pushing him with ease.

He runs his hands through his jet-black hair, smirking as he advances forward and making me step back. "Aren't you forgetting our deal..." he pushes me farther back until my back meets the wall. A rush of panic surges through my veins but I stand my ground even as he takes a lock of my hair, outright inhaling my scent.

In a rush of instinct, my hand finds my scissors stuck in my back pocket and hastily puts the blades against his neck, shallowly cutting on the surface of his skin. He freezes but then looks at me, fear slipping away from his eyes. "You like it rough, huh… figures."

"Shut it, Daniels or I will not hesitate and stab you. I said, give me what I want _then _you can have yours," I push the scissors up and he steps back.

"Okay, okay. As you wish," he steps back, hand sinking into the pocket of his leather jacket and taking out a small syringe. "This is all I can get on such short notice."

"Is it sterile?"

"Of course but if you're having doubts you can sterilize it yourself," he shrugs.

"It fine," I say, holding out my bloodied forearm and he smirks as he takes my arm, injecting the clear liquid into my veins. I watch until the last drop enters me, until he pulls out the needle.

"Let the fun begin," he says, moving in to trap me against the wall, head ducking down to take my neck, his guitar forgotten in one corner.

This is no time to feel disgusted of yourself even if you can't stand it. Because you want to stop wanting her even for just a second—you want just this and not her. I want everything to stop.

For once, everything is silent, calm, swirling into a pile of haze. For once my heart shuts off, unfeeling, almost not beating. I feel like staring up from the bottom of a well, underwater but not struggling for air, not doing anything but just being there, almost floating. I should stay like this, numb and floating, floating, floating, drifting away, drowning in the lull of my subconscious. I can smile, even without feeling a thing, no pain—artificial peace, something imperfect yet still so perfect in my eyes.

Suddenly, a slight consciousness threads through me, almost pulling me up from the well, as I _feel_ a hand pulling my wrist roughly. Muffled voices distorting in the air in a variety of pitches and nothings reach my ear and I giggle.

_whatthehelldidyougiveher…jade…fuckoff…jade…lethergo…_

A slap erupts on my cheeks, and I'm being pulled up higher and higher from the bottom of the well. No. Let me stay. My head lolls to the side, another giggle slipping through my lips.

_ohmygod…bitch…imcallingthepolice…fuckthisimout…jade…_

Warmth spreads through my cheeks and I'm engulfed in the scent of wildflowers, pulling me miles closer to reality, the haze of her eyes appearing through the swirls of shapes in front of my eyes. But still I don't feel anything not even joy. My heart doesn't leap, doesn't stutter, doesn't scream, even if inches away from me is the face of the very reason I'm here. My head tilts to the side. Tori. My arms feel like jelly, limp like a biscuit soaked in water when you have no tea with you and it's hot outside but you don't ever sweat and you sit in front of the AC… limp as a bizkit... morbid. I giggle again.

"Jade," Tori says and I nod. I feel like Cat. I wonder if it's like this in her head.

"Cat." My face stretches to a grin as I trip on my toes.

"No, it's me, Tori."

I know, silly. I'd know it's you from a mile away. I know it's you even if my head is in space right now. Wow, it's dark outside. Why is the sky black? Are those trees? They are, but they look like stakes ready to pierce the sky.

"Where are we going?" I look at my shoulder and I see leather draped around it. Where's my shirt? That's cold.

"To your car." She keeps on pulling me and all I see is her back and her hair fluttering in the wind. I look at her hand and there's blood, my blood. I've stained her.

By some sort of miracle, I spot the swing set from earlier and I stagger out of Tori's grasp, crossing the street, eyes focused on the swing still moving back and forth. I don't want to go yet. I don't want to be sober with her around. I want the swing. Then it stops and the last thing I see is a pair of lights rushing towards me.

::

My eyes open, a flat high pitch sound piercing through my eardrums. Everything is white and I stare blankly forward. Am I dead? Someone tell me this is what death is like. A sharp pain shocks the side of my head, sending pulses of black that edge around my vision until I see Tori, lying on her side a few feet away. I push myself up, elbows carrying my weight, rough ground digging at my skin. Another sharp pain and I look down seeing blood dripping down my hair.

Please, God, don't do this to me. I need her. Please, don't let me be right.

Everything is overexposed but I know something is wrong and that I have to get to her. I try to get up only to trip on my knees so I crawl with only Tori in my eyes. I make it to her side and see that she's awake.

"You're awake," she smiles at me, breath shallow. I move closer. Don't let me be right. Please.

"Are you okay?" I try to remain calm but still air threatens to run out from my lungs. I touch her hair and tears fall from her eyes with a soft sob digging at my erratic heart. This-this is my fault. I swallow, seeing blood pooling around her. "W-will you be okay," I ask, air caught in my throat, tears threatening to flow out as my hand hovers over side.

"I can't move, Jade," she chokes out and it's like a bullet shot through me, pouring out tears from my eyes as I break in front of her, nails digging at the cold, hard asphalt.

"D-don't worry, I'm here." I'm here. I reach into her pocket, hands trembling as I pull out her phone to dial 911. I have to be strong. My lips tremble, strained with sobs, as I tell them what they ask for, all the while not letting my eyes off of Tori. It hurts to see her like this because of me but I need to keep my eyes on her to make sure she's still alive—even when something in me is telling me that this may be the last time I'll see her breathing. I shut the phone off, wiping off tears from my face. "Help is coming. Don't worry." Don't worry.

"Jade," she calls out to me like she not there, lying in the middle of the road paralyzed from neck down, like she just wants to tell me something

I shuffle closer, knees scraping on the rough of the ground. "Y-yes?"

"Sing for me," she says, eyes radiating warmth even when all color is draining from her fingertips, even when there's almost no warmth left in her.

I nod, licking between my lips. My heart flickers, dying of all life and I close my eyes.

"_The room spins_

_Pull you from me_

_My body burns_

_Tell me of the rainbows_

_The colors that the rain throws_

_Wake me from a sleep that_

_Never comes _

_Are you breathing_

_Waiting for me_

This is not goodbye. I won't let it even if I have to sell my soul. My voice cracks and tears continue pouring out, streaming freely down to the ground.

"_I didn't really want you_

_But I need you_

_Was so foolish of me_

_To feel you tumbling down_

_Into that empty room_

_The lights went out_

_I want to rescue want to scream out loud_

Can you hear me? I need you so don't leave me. I want you. Her eyes close, a smile still painted on her lips. Please.

"_I didn't think I wanted you_

_But I want you now_

_Was so empty in me_

_To feel you crashing down_

_Into the empty world_

_The music stops_

_I want to rescue want to scream out loud_

I take her hand, lacing our finger together and her eyes flutter open to meet mine. Please hear me. Please.

"_That you will always be mine," _I whisper, hair spilling over Tori's face and still she smiles.

"I won't leave," she says, voice barely above whisper and I touch her face, lips quivering into a small smile.

"I know." I know.

And she closes her eyes once more.

I watch her breathe, chest barely rising and I sink down to kiss her softly. I close my eyes again as I drown in red lights, the siren of the ambulance and the quiet sound of Tori slipping away from me—forever.

Take me with you.

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**A.N.: I am both excited and sad. Excited because I've finally finished my first (ever!) multi-chap and sad because it had to end.**

**I'm sorry if some (if not all) of you guys are disappointed with how I ended this but it's better than Jade stabbing Tori then herself (which was honestly how I originally intended things), right?**

**(I'm also sorry that I posted late because other people are hogging up the computer and my mom caught me still awake when I was just about to post this at 2am. This should've been up hours ago…)**

**On another note, the song above is Leona Naess's "Ballerina" if you guys wanted to know. Oh, and I tweaked the position of the lyrics a bit and cut it short…**

**I want to thank all those who reviewed (and will review) because you guys are the ones keeping me alive… lol.**

**I disappoint myself but, hey, we get by with what we have, right?**

**So in the words of a great author (in this site) which were taken from a movie, I shall pat my head and say: "That'll do, pig. That'll do."**


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